The Inevitable
The question, or problem, of happiness is something I've been kicking around quite a bit these days. Working these past few months has disconnected me somewhat from the 'still-student' crowd, and while only some of these dissonances are literal; the effects (both tangible and intangible) have had far reaching consequences on my mental state. But after vetting some of this baggage on some dear student friends of mine, I see that its all essentially the same stuff. I have a new lexicon, now, to articulate my dissatisfaction --that's all that has really changed.
This sounds depressing...but it isn't. (or at least it doesn't have to be)
There is this concept, I feel, that people adopt and internalize when confronting the harsh, unavoidable question that we all face either consciously or unconsciously: "Dear Sir or Madame: How much freedom and autonomy do you actually want?" On a scale from 1-10 where 1 would= a lifetime of servitude (not only to an employer(s) but also to the expectations of your parents, family, spouse, children ect...) and 10 being completely unphased and un-tempted by the safety and security that comes from letting someone else do your thinking for you, I think that most people would want to be somewhere around a 7 or 8. This is that special zone where you are doing something that simultaneously gives you a sense of convincing freedom (real and/or imagined) while at the same time, keeping everyone around you happy (i.e. your family, the government ect...). At the 7-8 mark one can imagine being happy...its sort of the space that advertisers use to sell things like lottery tickets: "just imagine", or most household goods.
Here's the punchline (and its nothing really new): These representations totally misrepresent the idea of happiness. Cultural theorists from Barthes all the way down (or up?) to Zizek, constantly deliver a similar message in various permutations: Our culture creates desire. This desire gets in the way of being happy. As the months and years pass, I internalize this message in different ways. The latest has been as I move through a minor winter depression. I am lonely, I'm not getting enough sex, I don't have enough money, and my friends don't call often enough. Unfortunately I can no longer find happiness in consumption (thank you very much higher education!).
What brought me out of the funk was seeing just how much I still fall victim to the same old trap. I see this place in the future where I have a house, a job I enjoy, family of my own, financial security, a loving wife, and just enough money left over to spoil ourselves once and a while. In short, a space of lasting ease, comfort and security where my happiness is absolute. This place exists only in my mind and is conjured in participation with much of the advertising I see everyday. I don't actually want any of that (well some of it I do, but much of it I don't). At the very least, I don't want to see happiness as something that I can one day obtain. Happiness, like any other emotion, comes and goes. Rather than being a 'state' its a transient 'state of being'. We are happy for moments --that's all. We're miserable for others --that's all. Thinking in these terms liberates me from a lot of the pressure that tends to bring me down. I have family members around my age that are much more successful than I am (married, millionaires, highpowered lawyers ect..). I'm just a dude with an M.A., teaching English to bored teenagers and wondering what I'll do next. When I sit and think about it, none of the reasons I have for feeling unhappy, or like I am failing somehow, seem to belong to me. They all belong to other people. Well fuck you other people.
Hearing many of my 'still-in-school' friends bemoan their workloads really puts things together for me. I thought being back in school would make me happy again, but seeing my friends, I see the person I was last August who couldn't wait to get out. Nothing I do will fill me with a sense of fulfillment and happiness all the time --phew, what a relief.
The question, or problem, of happiness is something I've been kicking around quite a bit these days. Working these past few months has disconnected me somewhat from the 'still-student' crowd, and while only some of these dissonances are literal; the effects (both tangible and intangible) have had far reaching consequences on my mental state. But after vetting some of this baggage on some dear student friends of mine, I see that its all essentially the same stuff. I have a new lexicon, now, to articulate my dissatisfaction --that's all that has really changed.
This sounds depressing...but it isn't. (or at least it doesn't have to be)
There is this concept, I feel, that people adopt and internalize when confronting the harsh, unavoidable question that we all face either consciously or unconsciously: "Dear Sir or Madame: How much freedom and autonomy do you actually want?" On a scale from 1-10 where 1 would= a lifetime of servitude (not only to an employer(s) but also to the expectations of your parents, family, spouse, children ect...) and 10 being completely unphased and un-tempted by the safety and security that comes from letting someone else do your thinking for you, I think that most people would want to be somewhere around a 7 or 8. This is that special zone where you are doing something that simultaneously gives you a sense of convincing freedom (real and/or imagined) while at the same time, keeping everyone around you happy (i.e. your family, the government ect...). At the 7-8 mark one can imagine being happy...its sort of the space that advertisers use to sell things like lottery tickets: "just imagine", or most household goods.
Here's the punchline (and its nothing really new): These representations totally misrepresent the idea of happiness. Cultural theorists from Barthes all the way down (or up?) to Zizek, constantly deliver a similar message in various permutations: Our culture creates desire. This desire gets in the way of being happy. As the months and years pass, I internalize this message in different ways. The latest has been as I move through a minor winter depression. I am lonely, I'm not getting enough sex, I don't have enough money, and my friends don't call often enough. Unfortunately I can no longer find happiness in consumption (thank you very much higher education!).
What brought me out of the funk was seeing just how much I still fall victim to the same old trap. I see this place in the future where I have a house, a job I enjoy, family of my own, financial security, a loving wife, and just enough money left over to spoil ourselves once and a while. In short, a space of lasting ease, comfort and security where my happiness is absolute. This place exists only in my mind and is conjured in participation with much of the advertising I see everyday. I don't actually want any of that (well some of it I do, but much of it I don't). At the very least, I don't want to see happiness as something that I can one day obtain. Happiness, like any other emotion, comes and goes. Rather than being a 'state' its a transient 'state of being'. We are happy for moments --that's all. We're miserable for others --that's all. Thinking in these terms liberates me from a lot of the pressure that tends to bring me down. I have family members around my age that are much more successful than I am (married, millionaires, highpowered lawyers ect..). I'm just a dude with an M.A., teaching English to bored teenagers and wondering what I'll do next. When I sit and think about it, none of the reasons I have for feeling unhappy, or like I am failing somehow, seem to belong to me. They all belong to other people. Well fuck you other people.
Hearing many of my 'still-in-school' friends bemoan their workloads really puts things together for me. I thought being back in school would make me happy again, but seeing my friends, I see the person I was last August who couldn't wait to get out. Nothing I do will fill me with a sense of fulfillment and happiness all the time --phew, what a relief.
posted by Kevin at 10:37 p.m.
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