Thursday, June 22, 2006

L'Etranger

Aging is a funny thing. Joking with a friend of mine we established that at 26, my status as a 'young person' is steadilly transitionning to a 'person who is STILL young'. There is a difference. A 'young' person (if he/she has the means) may drift around aimlessly and expect little to no reisstance from the people and forces who will soon bear down on them in an effort to shoehorn them into some niche in society where they will eventually become one of those people and part of the force that organizes future 'still young' people into similarly shoehorned niches--and so on... I grant that there are probably many MANY people out there with more focus and drive than me, so its possible that my ominous casting of the inevitable assimilation of the 'still young' might seem a little melodramatic.

But...

Having no real prospects when you are 'still young' is alot like running a yellow light. 'The Man' won't write you up, but he'll stare you down and let you know that you were seconds and meters away from a smackdown. Thinking about this ('this' being the future and my place in it) brings me down. Expectations from my family (and the ones I impose upon myself) animate the most pronounced fracture in my personality. I've noticed that what I consider to be viable options for my future are substantially influenced by what I think will be acceptable, logical, and understandable by those who take an intrest in my life. In an effort to shift away any personal responsability I might ask myself if I would be more disposed to be less normative if my parents were less normative. But this is a waste of time, I feel. The real question on my mind is what I am going to do next spring if I find myself not being welcomed back into the comfy bosom of academia where I can ignore questions about the future for another 4-5 years....what effing then?